Restless

Another night but with a new twist. If I were back home or back in garrison at least this would not be new and I would be able to deal with it. Here however I can not. I am restless. Not the type where one might be nervous or just hyper but restless. I have this overwhelming desire to get into a fight or something. Normally I would go out and dance, drink or hit the weights. I could work out now but it was already late when this settled in and I am beginning to work out again tomorrow morning. Bright and early. I would rather start off good especially since I am working out with one of my soldiers. I have to set the example even though he has been at it for some time now.
This restlessness was caused by many things, not all of which I can isolate into a specific feeling or thought just yet but there are reasons. The benefit to self psychoanalysis is being able to find out what the problems are and therefore start fixing them. The curse of it is sometimes I don't have the answer or the reason behind the happenings.
Tonight my problem, best that I can determine, is being couped up and missing that special part of me. I didn't lose anything or change. Well I have changed but that is not it. This thing that I am missing is something I never had and for the first time in my life since I started the trek down romantic row I don't have a muse to inspire me or a star to set my gaze upon. I am a dreamer caught in a sea with no current, no wind and no stars to move me or to navigate by.
I have one or two interests that are voices and smiles from a past that feel like they came from a different life centuries ago. The fact that I am half the world away does not help nor does the fact that I have been gone for a few years. One was trapped in my mind tonight and I could not release her. I wanted to talk to her so bad and tried to no avail. I do not wish to say that she is or would become my muse but I felt that she was the only one who could bring peace to me. I would call now but my roommate is asleep and a light sleeper. He has training he has to conduct in the morning and I don't want to keep him up. It is already 0200 here and I should be going to sleep now seeing as I have to be up early to motivate my soldier.
The answer to my question is yes I will find HER someday but that brings a scary dose of reality. If I pursue the wrong woman or invest too much time into the wrong one I could miss or choose one other than the one intended for me. I could ruin the best for both of us. Another question beckons at me, is she the one? I am not asking if this one woman is the one, at least not yet but the blanket question can and by no intention of my own will be asked about every woman who COULD meet the standard.
Soloman wrote that much wisdom brings much sorrow. This is true and it is a burden, a blessing and a curse. In the same way not knowing what tomorrow will bring allows for hope and fear. Knowing some of what the future brings caused strain and turns hope to fact and concern to meet the mark set forth. The key is I suppose is to be "more then conquerors", to go into battle know it is won and not worry about the details. The die is cast the outcome known, all that is left is to carry on the that end honorably and to take each step as God guides it.