We Stand - The Sheep Dog

We live and work among you. You look at us with awe or disdain

You respect us or you hate us

You either love us or fear us, for some it is a little bit of both

We carry guns and we watch everything

We know the exits in the building we are in

We know where a criminal will most likely come from

We see the others who carry weapons

We see the good or evil, the innocence or cruelty in the eyes

We are ever watchful

You see the badge on my chest, the uniform I wear proudly, or my veterans hat

You see the gun on my hip and my back straight and tall

The flag waving in my yard or stuck on my car

My creeds are "Give me Liberty or give me death"

"Don't tread on me" and "Molon Labe"

We work out, we run, and we train to be the best

We stand up for ourselves, for you, we stand tall with pride and confidence

You fear us for these things and because of your fear you hate us

We are different from you

We look different, we act different and we have a different look in our eyes

Our look is not one of innocence or of cruelty

It is one of Justice, courage and vengeance

Not vengeance for ourselves

Vengeance on behalf of those under our watch

We have our teeth and claws, you see them on our hip and in our arms

You hear our growl and bark in our cries of patriotism

And our quiet words of warning saying; No you move

We have seen the evil you pretend does not exist

We know it is there and our existence is a tribute to that truth

Our existence destroys the illusion you create to make you feel better

You hate us for that, for showing you that normal only exists in your head

You hate us because you see what we stand for and you can see us standing

That fact proves that what you fear in the shadows exists

You have not seen that evil that stays out of sight because it waits

It waits to pounce when you get too close

It waits to steal, kill and destroy when it has opportunity

Our existence, our place on the outside between you it and is a reminder

A reminder that not all is well and not all is safe

Your fear of the wolf is taken out on us and manifested in anger

You see our teeth and claws and forget we are your protectors

And you confuse us with the wolf

You hear our bark and growl and think that we are just making noise

That we are getting worked up over nothing

We smell the danger, we see it coming when you cannot

We prepare ourselves and remain ever vigilant to protect you

Those who have cast us to the outside, who label us extreme

We wait and we do our duty when the wolves come in the dark of night

You do not usually see the clash, the blood bone and marrow

You do not see our blood, sweat and tears

But when you do in rare occasion

You run in fear, once again in what you do not understand

Because you live in a world made up in your mind

Far removed from the real one

You keep your distance and keep us far from your herd

Only noticing us enough to jeer, mock and condemn

Until the day you see the wolves, your nightmares in the flesh

Then in that moment you cry out for us to save you

In the moment you are thankful and relieved

Until you return to the herd and condemn us for the blood on our fur

And the scars on our face

You pretend that all is normal and the wolf you saw was just a bad dream

We are the sheep dogs

You hate us and wish we did not exist

Because in your heart our existence proves reality

We stand ever vigilant with love and courage in our hearts

With fire and justice in our eyes

Ever watchful hoping you never see the wolf

Hoping that we never have to act

We stand vigilant, we have seen the wolf and we are ever ready

We are the sheep dog

You may hate us, you may fear us

It matters not.

We stand

Feminist

Merriam-Webster defines feminism as :

By definition I am a feminist. I support equality between men and women, boys and girls. The Constitution says " all men are created equal by their creator" and when it says men it means man kind meaning men and women boys and girls. All human beings. When God created Eve from Adams rib I think it is now, if not always, symbolic of the fact that women are supposed to be next to, not in front of or behind, her man. Also the rib is a bone that protects the internal organs, the vulnerable life or death parts of a man and likewise the rib is protected by the hands and arms and the every movement of the man. By protecting the rib he protects himself and likewise when he protects woman he protects himself. Also the phrase that God used to describe Eve as a "help mate" the phrase "ezer kenegdo" is actually better translated "life saver or sustainer " and the phrase is used elsewhere in scripture but only when describing God. This makes it seem like Eve, females, have a much larger part in the story than most believe, not as a help mate or side kick but as a valuable main character, important and necessary to the story. Men and women are Co-stars with each other. One without the other would mean that there is no story. 

As in all things we are all created equal in that we have the right to choose what we do and how we do it. That is liberty and that is something that can never be taken away. We may have laws and rules and tyrants and governments and armies that oppose that right to choose and live as we wish but the fact remains that we can still choose, choose to follow those things or not. That is up to each person individually based on your morals, religious beliefs, education, and courage. We are all equal but that does not mean we get equal treatment or results or even that we are "equal" in all other things. This is where the problem comes in and a lot of misunderstanding. We are equal but we are not the same and therefore cannot and should not be treated equally. Example: Women give birth, men can't, if trained the same women are better shots with a rifle, women are the Crown of God's creation, the most beautiful thing in God's creation men aren't, men are more often than not physically stronger and faster than women, men are more likely to be color blind then women, most men have a natural desire or instinct to protect women and not each other.

I believe that women should have the same rights as men…………. Actually, the better way to say that is women and men or men and women, humans, all humans regardless of gender have the same rights and should have the same rights. The right to vote, to serve their country, the right to say yes or no to sex and be respected in that choice, the right to an education, to work, to earn equal pay for equal work, more pay for better work, the right to bear arms, to free speech, to eat and drink and travel as they please, the right to marry or not and to choose whom they shall marry, and all of the responsibilities that come with these and many others not listed. But men and women boys and girls are not the same just as not all men are the same and not all women are the same therefore no one can or should be treated the same nor will they have the same or equal results.

True equality is the ability to be the commander of one's own life and decisions. To own their liberty and use it responsibly. Ultimately I believe all human life is sacred as it is the creation of God and not just a creation, as all things are His creation, but the creation of His own image; male and female, the masculine and feminine image of God. Neither one, independently, a perfect image of God but together a complete image of God. We are not supposed to be the same but we are supposed to be equal and we are supposed to complement each other.

I do believe that there are some jobs to which most women are not as well suited as men and vice versa. Does that mean that they shouldn't be able to try? No if they can pass with the same standards as men or in the reverse if men can pass by the same standards as women then cool. But there will be very few who can or will pass those barriers.

I will still open doors for females, not because they can't but because it is my desire to serve them out of love and respect. I will protect women because I believe that is part of my duty as a man and yet another act of service out of love and respect. I will also encourage the women in my life to chase and accomplish their dreams, education, positon glory and honor. I will treat to the best of my ability (I am human and not perfect therefore I will not always act perfectly, right or correct, usually just the opposite) the women in my life with a special respect, a reverence, a love that I do not show everyone. My grandma, my mom, my sister, my aunt, my girlfriends(non romantic), my girlfriend(romantic), my wife, yes MY women in my life. Yes I claim them  as mine but not a property rather in love as a man might claim a family member, friend, lord or sovereign and I hope that in the same way they would claim me.

The feminism of today or extreme feminism is not true feminism. It is not looking for equality it is looking to say that females are better. It is looking for "the same" not equal and not even that but more than what men have. True feminism is not about being the same or getting the same results. It is about equality in the eyes of lady liberty, the law, love and respect. If all were the same then nothing would be exceptional, beauty would have no meaning, love would cease to exist, and life would not be worth living.  In this I am a feminist but because of this most "feminists" will not agree and think that I am a male chauvinist which is comical because I treat and believe that all women should be treated with the respect shown the lords and ladies of old but wait chivalry no PC or acceptable to "feminists" these days. Oh well, I guess I will remain non PC and still try to treat women better than I treat myself and most if not all of the other people around me.

One final thought ladies, you determine how you will be treated just as we determine how we will be treated. If we are assholes we should not be surprised to be treated like an asshole. If you act a certain way whatever way that may be, you will in most cases be treated that way. That has nothing to do with equality. On the other hand, if you respect yourself and respect others, you in your actions demand respect and will earn it from others. This is not to say that some will be assholes no matter what but it goes a long way and it makes opening a door, pulling a chair out, and buying you flowers a whole lot more pleasurable for us.

So how about we stop talking about men's and women's rights and just say that we as humans have the same rights and should have the same rights and how about we start treating each other with respect and shun or punish those who do not at least tell them they are wrong and educate them on it. Maybe we could get more accomplished.

Notes: Women usually have a problem with the Bible verse that says:

Ephesians 5:22-33New International Version (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The problem comes from reading verse 22-23 and not seeing what the following 10 verses say. Plus the scripture says submit yourselves, not you will submit or you will be made to submit but rather it means you have the choice to submit yourself in love out of love because of love to your husband who should love you as Christ loves the Church. You think submission and respect are hard and yes they are but misunderstood in this case but look at verse 25. A husbands is to love his wife and give up his life for her as Christ did. Does that mean die for her, actually die for her? Maybe. In some situations probably. But more than that, He is supposed to be the example of Christ in that relationship loving her as much as he loves himself if not more, giving her everything to let her be the best that she can be. Even if we do not die for her we need to love her in such a way that we would to save and protect her as Christ did the church. When we leave this world and are judged we will be judged on our success in this. This is not fair, not the same and not equal. While the passage says to women: submit, to men it says: serve, love, preserve and give everything up to and including your life for her.

Yeah that is fair and equal…………… it doesn't matter, it is the honor of me to do so

By the way I don't think that the word "submit" there means that you have to do everything your husband says. I think I means more that you choose to respect him, love only him, choose him and to do your best to compliment him as he strives to love and serve you. Submit I think best means, present yourself, adapt to, COMPLIMENT your husband. I did a little word searching and this could be more true than people might think.

TRCLD (Traumatic Return to Civilian Life Disorder)

This is not a real disorder and it is usually considered part of PTSD. This is not a scientific paper and I am not a psychologist or a doctor. I am a veteran. I was (and will always consider myself) an Army Infantry soldier, an NCO, who did two combat tours in Iraq. I have not finished college, I do not have a degree and I have not done a study on this subject. I am merely sharing what I and several of my fellow veterans have discussed and discovered about ourselves. I would not consider myself and expert on any subject except for the subject of me. Because I am a veteran who has and does experience these things I feel that I am qualified to talk about the things which I am about to share.

Returning home from service in the military especially as a combat veteran whose job was combat is a difficult and scary thing even if we do not know it when we separate from service. This is a difficult thing because we go from one world into another completely foreign to us. This world, that of a civilian, is one that we came from but when we step back into it, it is not the same as we left it. Rather, I should say that to us, because we have changed, it is not the same. Many of the things we knew so well we find are not so and many things we were blind to we now see clearly. We come into this world outside of the military alone, with little to no support, and with little to no understanding from others.

I asked myself, what are we as veterans afraid of, what causes us grief and pain, what makes us feel alien in the world that we were born into? There are many things. We fear being abandoned, that our friends, family, society and government will or have abandoned us. We are afraid of being alone and misunderstood partly because that is exactly what we are a lot of times. We can be in a crowed and still feel alone and this feeling is not based on emotion or recent events. It is a constant feeling. We are killed inside because we feel that we do not have a battle to fight and we are afraid that we will never matter like we did once, that we will never make a difference like we did when we were in uniform. We always feel different, separate from those around us, we don't fit in like we once did and we know that in part we never will. We are a different kind of breed and we are afraid that we will never be accepted and that we will never find our place in this world.

More than fear we have constant reminders that we are different. Our scars, both those visible and those unseen, remind us of who we were and who we continually want to be again. The media demonizes us and politicians call us terrorists. We hold on to our tags, tattoos, uniforms and pt shorts and remember the when and why. We drive the streets, go to the grocery store, and go to work every day surrounded by people who have no idea what is going on outside of their little life and their biggest problem is Starbucks making their caramel macchiato with whole milk instead of soy. We see a world full of people who believe they are owed a life and that others should take care of them, people who lack motivation and drive. They preach political correctness and then march in an effort that would undeniably undermine the power of this nation and would bring about the demise of our political system and those things that i would say are right and correct.

We came from a world of order, discipline, honor, violence, testosterone and high standards. Violence of action is one of our creeds. We live, eat, breath, work, and fight side by side. Phrases like "You never leave your wing man" and "Always take a battle buddy". We are never alone and we are better together. Out here most everyone only looks out only for themselves, and very few know the meaning of self sacrifice or pushing each other to make all of us better.

The problem we have is that we have from a society where we were not only able to be, but were expected to be at our very best, to push ourselves past where we ever thought we could push ourselves. We live for one another, we work to improve ourselves and each other, we push to get to the next level, and we believe in something more than ourselves. These are things that we very rarely find our here in what we call the real world. Honor, discipline and the higher virtues are not found here and thus we are foreigners in the world that we decided to fight for and protect and what's worse is what little is left of this nation that we love is slowly falling victim to political correctness, racism, narcissism, and entitlement.

We feel like we are a minority, we are in that we are a small number who have served, in this nation of ours in that we still believe in hard work, honor, personal responsibility and liberty. We, by our own choice, lived in a socialistic society, the military and waited for the day that we were free again. Free again, meaning that we weren't free. We ate, worked, moved, and lived when and how we were told, we got paid the same for different work. We had pay, health care, dental, meals provided and work that we had to do. It was not freedom and it was a sacrifice we were willing to pay to secure liberty for ourselves later, our friends, family and our posterity. Now we see the people around us willingly giving that liberty away for security, social programs, and self esteem. We feel that we are a minority in our belief in higher virtues such as freedom. We are not wrong to feel this way. We are called terrorists, war mongers, and extremists when in truth we believe in what this country was founded on. We are not extremists in our beliefs. In fact we are quite the opposite and we are demonized for it.

It is not that we just feel that we are alone in our own country, state, city and community, we are largely alone. Beyond the political and social ideologies, we have experienced many things that the majority of people have not. We have lived a life others can not fully comprehend, we have seen atrocities and done things that many can only imagine and not understand. We see the world differently and there is no way we can fully share what we have seen or lived with those around us and so we keep it to ourselves and recognize it in each other in a simple look. We are alone and the love and acceptance of friends and family and the fellowship  found with others like us are the only comfort and help we have once we are home.

When individuals join the service we experience a culture shock and it is severe. The thing that helps the transition is that we are with others experiencing the same change and we walk into that life surrounded by those who have made the change already. There is support there and we motivate each other and strengthen one another along the way. When we get out we experience another culture shock but there is no mutual suffering, no assistance from the people who surround you. Instead, if we act like we were trained to, if we live the way we learned to to survive and to succeed we look like arrogant, assholes instead of motivated, confident successful individuals. So, our character is demonized in part because we threaten the status quo and thus we are either treated as a problem or we have to learn to dull our light to survive and be successful in this world. Again we are alone and now bottled up having to be less than we are.

This is a real problem that we all face in some level. This is a begining of an explanation of what troubles us. The problem goes deeper but I hope that you can now see a little of the problem that plagues us. No we will not conform completely because we are better for the experiences and the standards we believe in. Instead of expecting us to change maybe, just maybe, we should be allowed to succeed and use our motivation and skills to better our work place and communities. Instead of trying to make us conform maybe we should be unleashed and see what great things we can do.

Article I was in during my first deployment

http://www.troopscoop.typepad.com/updates/page/37/

ISF, MND-B Soldiers patrol Abu Ghuraib

BAGHDAD - IA and Soldiers from the 1st Bn, 21st Inf Regt, 2nd Stryker BCT, 25th ID, searched houses and patrolled streets in Baghdad's Abu Ghuraib district, Dec. 13. 
Increasingly, CF have begun to step back and assume more of a support role, as the ISF step towards operational independence. "We have been working with this unit for several months, but we haven't been working this close until recently," said 1st Lt. Maxwell Pappas, plt leader for Co B, 1st Bde., 21st Inf. Regt.
"When I first came over here, I was worried about working with the Iraqi soldiers," said Spc. Jonathan Gomez, communication specialist with Co B. "But now I am confident as ever that when we leave they will be able to do their job successfully." 
Combined ops alone are not going to make the ISF successful, said Pappas. Getting the GoI being capable of managing the personnel and equipment supply system is going to be a long term process.  "If you build a medical clinic, all it is, is a building unless you have the supplies for it; the doctors who work in it, and the logistic exchange for it," he said. "You have to make sure it's re-supplied with medicine and make sure there are roads so the people can get to that place.  It's not just constructing a building - it's making sure the whole system works."

Spc. Jonathan Gomez, patrols the streets in Baghdad's Abu Ghuraib.
(Army photos by Spc. Benjamin Crane)

1st Lt. Maxwell Pappas gives a low-five to a local Iraqi girl as he passes by during their joint combat.

-30-

Memorial Day

On this day of remembrance and gratitude I can't help but think about a line from Saving Private Ryan following the final battle just before Ton Hanks dies. He says "Earn this" to Pvt. Ryan. Ryan, as an old man wonders if he earned the gift of life that he was given. He stands in front of the cross at Arlington National Cemetery and as it pans out you can see the field filled with crosses. Each on, a man who gave his life for me. As I think of this I begin to wonder.

By the time I get out of the service I will have spent 5 years in the army 4 of which are active duty in the infantry. I will have had 2 deployments to Iraq, a total of 27 months deployed. More than half of my active duty career over seas. I have served and I am told that I did my part BUT I wonder.

Have I earned it? I have seen little and done little compared to many from the revolutionary war to today. My contribution is little compared to many who have and are serving. I am humbled by the thought that compared to the hard men who have truly fought I have done little more than go on a trip carrying a lot of gear, a weapon, and talked to a lot of people and read and wrote a lot of reports. As I think of this I feel a sense of shame that I did not do more and I did not choose to stay in to fight more, to fight in Afghanistan or some future conflict.

The vikings believed in living with courage and honor, that there was no other way to die than to die in battle. The believed that if they did not prove their courage enough in this life that they would not be honored in the afterlife. I know that this is not so. My time as a soldier bears no weight on my salvation but still I feel that I have not done enough.

Friends, family, my home town, a country that I love and call my own and my freedom are worth the cost, and sacrifice of a life of service or life given in service. I am glad and proud of my service. I didn't understand what military service meant and what my liberty meant before I joined. I knew the concept but I didn't truly understand it or know it. If I hadn't joined I would never have understood. I can't help but think how ashamed I would have felt if I understood like I do and did not serve. If I didn't earn it even after service then I really wouldn't have had I not served.

It is not for everyone to serve nor should it be. Our armed forces are made up of about 1/2 of a % of the united states population. So at most only 2%  of those alive in our nation are serving or have served at some point. We have no need for more. This is not about whether others have served or not. It is about how I feel about my service. I can spend the rest of my life trying to earn what I have on this Earth and you know what I think that I would fail. The price is blood, life. A price I have not paid. But I will do my best to honor them with the life they gave.

TO OUR HONORED DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaleidescope

Many nights I have a difficult time getting to sleep. Actually since I deployed it has been every night. Part of it is because I got used to a different times schedule and part because I didn't adjust to the time difference and part because I can't have a few beers to help on nights I just can't sleep. My mind runs a hundred miles an hour and almost never stops. My heart goes even faster. This is the root of the problem. It is not too much caffeine or PTSD it is that too much goes on in me. This has been true since I was a young child. Eventually I got to the point where I would be worn out nearly every day and could go right to sleep. I have lived that way for most of 14 years. Now I find myself mentally exhausted but not physically and my  mind is awake once the day has passed. So I can not sleep. The alcohol, my beers before bed, was used to quiet my mind and relax me so that I could sleep. I didn't need it but it helped and I enjoyed having a few. My  heart and mind just think and feel too fast.

I have know this for some time but I realized a little more tonight. I was wondering why it is when things grow quiet that my mind races so much. Then I realized that my mind was trying to interpret and sort out what my heart was saying, feeling. My heart always feels like a jumble because there is so much there. It is like if you took a thousand different colors and splattered them on a pallet and started to spin it around. The colors become a blur and they mix and you can not tell one from another unless you put it in slow motion and concentrate on them. After a while you can pick out some of the feelings, memories, thoughts or dreams and explore them. It is difficult to focus on just one color or piece in a turning kaleidescope but if you can it is amazing to see what shapes it can take and help produce.

Silent nights, when no one is awake or around, when the TV is off when the distractions are gone the quiet takes on the sound of a symphony orchestra, a rock band or sometimes a train wreck. The sound is not audible but it is heard as loud as blaring speakers at a concert. The silence becomes loud with the echoes of the heart and mind. It is the silence that I find the most deafening. The noise and distractions help dampen the noise within.

Every night seems to be silent. I guess it is good. I have had some time to explore some of what is going on in my heart and mind. I have learned a lot but still have so much I haven't figured out. It is not because I can't work it out but because I can't focus on those colors or haven't gotten to them yet. I suppose eventually I will get to them but some seem elusive. Something like they don't want to be understood or perhaps that I am not ready to understand them yet. Maybe I am not supposed to be able to focus on them yet or I am not in a place or haven't grown enough to be able to.

Many times I am afraid of what I might find in those moments of silence. I have found things out about myself that I didn't like. I have thought about times, memories that hurt and were not pleasant. Sometimes I see something about the future. Things that are going to be, that might be and things that I might hope for but will never be. I see things that I would hope for or wish for but I don't have the time to do them all. I see things that might have been but were lost because I squandered my time and opportunities. I see the fires I have escaped and others I created. I also see things hoped for and never could have been for all my time and might.

I see all of these things and I think that after the few years I have lived I am afraid of my potential, afraid of hope and dreams. I have lost the things in life that I have hoped for the most. I have been hurt and I have failed and disappointed myself. I find more of this then victories. Perhaps I am afraid of more than loss but also of getting what I hope for. I'm not sure what I would do if I had dreams come true. Exploring this pallet of color is difficult and I am afraid every time I do.

Tonight I am having a hard time focusing. The colors are just an explosion of color a collage of emotion, memory, dreams, ideas and possibilities. I am trapped in the whirlwind of my heart and it's music is loud tonight. It doesn't sound like a joyful song but it does have hope. My heart is restless, another constant problem. I think it will be until I find someone who can calm it. Deafening silent nights.

Valentines Day 2011

As Christians, believers, followers of Christ, we are by the very name we call ourselves to be Christ like. There are too many areas to cover on that so I will cover a piece of just one, love. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son." "For God demonstrates His love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." There are more passages. These were the first two to pop into mind.

Christ died for us because He loved us. That was His ultimate act of service, sacrifice, love. Christ served us. God served us by giving us more than what we have. We have taken those gifts and many times unknowingly cast them aside. That is why life is not perfect. In our sin we cast aside His gifts like, love, grace, and His perfect will for us.

Love. Christ served us by giving us everything, by giving us His life. In the same way we should be giving our lives to Him and the ones we love. I don't mean that we should die but we forfeit our lives in love. When you look at that man or woman you are married to you should think to yourself, "what can I do to serve you today?" Love fails because we get caught up in the glitter like Hollywood image of love, because we get caught up in an idea of love, we get caught in lust, because we lose focus on the love for those special others and start focusing on ourselves. If people would just stop worrying about getting mine and start serving those that they love, that means you marry the one that you would serve the rest of your life and who would serve you, divorce would start to disappear, couples would grow old together, children would grow up with fewer problems and be more successful, and this world would hurt a lot less.

True love is not a feeling or something to fall in and out of. It is something that just happens and when it does it has nothing to do with you. Love is not about getting married or having sex or Valentines day or even about feeling good. Love truly hurts a lot of the time. It is sacrifice and service. It is what happens when one realizes that they care so much more about another that their well being and happiness is more important than your own.  I don't think that everyone had had the pleasure of suffering love because some, or many, can't get out of their own way, can't stop focusing on the person in the mirror. True love is about them.  Something to think about.

Happy Valentines Day 2011.

Johnny